How would my learning of the Thoth be like?

Deck: Crowley Thoth

Question: How would my learning of the Thoth be like?

Spread:                   3          10
                         5 1X2 6       9
                              4           8
                                           7

Cards:
1) Heart of the Matter: 2 of Cups (Love)
2) Hindrance: 4 of Swords (Truce)
3) Conscious Thoughts: Prince of Wands
4) Unconscious Thoughts: 3 of Cups (Abundance)
5) The Past/Receding Influence: 8 of Cups (Indolence)
6) The Future/Coming Influence: 6 of Disks (Success)
7) My Influence: 8 of Wands (Swiftness)
8) External Factors: Queen of Wands
9) Hopes and Fears: Prince of Cups
10) Outcome/Guidance: Queen of Disks

Comments: Good old Celtic Cross spread. Modified the position meanings a little from the ones I started with. Quite a shock to have drawn 10 cards without a single trump though. Might be a little harder to interpret. Don't feel like going into detail......

Interpretation: The 2 of Cups as the heart of the matter was peculiar. What had learning the Thoth had to do with feelings of love? The idea of water, emotion, in its first manifestation. Could it possibly mean that I would learn to see the love in my life, the love which I believe I cannot feel?

Next, the cross, is literally a cross. 4 of Swords, Truce. I always thought that truce was akin to peace, but I've been corrected. Truce merely means stopping conflicts mutually, though the tension still exists. Perhaps there are parts in my psyche that are in competition, that haven't learnt to co-exist? How does this affect love?

The Prince of Wands represents the person I consciously want to be. A brave young lad, wielding the active, burning energy of the fire element, charging through life heroically. Which then made me realise, the reason why I wanted to be in such a position is because it would mean that I had mastery over the masculine energies, and am fully capable of attracting the feminine. If so, however, shouldn't the knight of wands show? Why the air of fire, and not the fire of fire?

Conscious thought, in the element of fire, is contested by the water element of unconscious thought. The 3 of Cups is a further manifestation, from the 2 of Cups. It could be a balance, meaning that I do not actually wish to attract the feminine to fulfill desire, but just to gain a deeper understanding into the elements of water.

When I read about the 8 of Cups, it was described as a terrible plight to be in. Good thing it's a receding influence! The dark and murky waters are about to be cleared, giving me calmness of emotion! These days have been indeed a toll on my emotions, and this is a clear sign to have faith in the world again!

Another assuring card is the 6 of Disks as a coming influence. A superficial interpretation would be that success is on its way. Sixes are at the perfect balance, just above the abyss yet still in contact with the ace below it. Feels like I am on my way to develop a form of stability in my psyche, a stability that will endure many difficulties!

Eights, according to The Book of Thoth, represent the swift, impulsive rush of the idea. It somewhat does describe me now, as I've been furiously trying to inject more fire energy in my life, assuming it's a cure for depression. Yet my unconscious might be trying to tell me that fire is not the way to go. Perhaps this is why I have not seen much progress yet with regards to healing myself?

External influences, represented by the Queen of Wands. The girls in my life, from my perspective, seem full of energy and passion, that it feels, abnormal. Yet another conflicting pair. Opposites try to balance out, so as to reach the Qaballistic Zero. While the girls are so active, I am still injecting fire into my life? Is fire the way to go or not?

My hopes and fears, the Prince of Cups. This card I feel relates to becoming like the Air of Water, but is it a hope or a fear? Fire and water show an interesting conflict with each other in this reading. A conscious desire to express masculinity, contradicted by the unconscious thought which encouraged passivity, and now the direct opposite of the desired court card shows itself as a hope or fear. Still, why not both? A conscious fear of becoming too passive and thus unable to receive love, and an unconscious hope to slow down and feel the love for what it is. Looking at the previous two cards, the dualistic approach is an appropriate way to see this card.

Last but not least, the Queen of Disks. She is one who is well aware of what goes on in her whole existence, physical, emotional, spiritual. This spread does show a lot of contradiction, so I believe she is my guide, urging me to become more attuned to myself and clear this confusion, so that the indolence of the 8 of Cups may recede and the more extremes (Fire, Water) would tone down into the less extremes (Swords, Pentacles)

Overall, I found it a little strange. The question was on learning the Thoth, yet the focus of the interpretation somehow shifted from that to one more closely related to love. Not sure if it's my fault or meant to be. The hindrance by inharmonious aspects of me turns out to be true, as the spread develops into contradictions between the active and the passive. Eventually however, the two will find common ground and achieve the stability of the Disks.