Which part of myself am I neglecting?

Deck Used: Crowley Thoth

Reflection: Queen of Disks

Question: Clarify the message of the Queen of Disks. Which part of myself am I neglecting?

Spread:               1
                        2    3
                           4

Cards:
1) Heart of the matter: 3 of Swords (Sorrow)
2) The energies I am receptive to/attract: Ace of Cups
3) How I influence my surroundings: The Hermit
4) Guidance: 10 of Cups (Satiety)

Interpretation: I feel extremely distracted and 'out of touch' today. Reflecting upon the Queen of Disks made me wonder, if I were aware of the parts which I had neglected myself. My question is thus to clarify the message the Queen of Disks bears, using a clarification spread from Mirror of the Soul.

The first card, the 3 of Swords, strikes me hard. Neglecting the depressive part of me seemed to be a logical explanation. But purely logical explanations do not complement the Tarot well. So reflecting on a more internal value, I've come to realise that my focus in life was to set my outside world the way I expect it to be, and I've viewed my depression as an obstacle to be obliterated. I failed to realise that such feelings stirring up within my psyche was due to an imbalance within me, and that it came with a message from the unconscious. My direction now, therefore, should not be to make circumstances ideal where my depression disappears, but rather to decipher the code of depression.

The Ace of Cups came to me as quite a surprise. It's been a long time since I drew another ace, and this is the first other ace I drew from this deck. The energies I am receptive to, is love? It seems paradoxical, as a symptom of my depression is that I don't feel love. It is true that I occasionally experience strong emotional outbursts, which could be where the water element in this card is pointing to. Another possible reason could be that my emotional receptiveness makes me more susceptible to the influence of depression, since what the cards have been telling me so far is that I need more fire element in my life to fight the depression.

Position 3 is how I influence my surroundings, and one possible way of understanding this is the impression which I give others. This is not the first time The Hermit shows himself in such a position. I always seem closed off and introverted to those around me (which is true). With such an aloof appearance, I might be unconsciously sending out messages that I wish to be left alone, when what I really wish for is to be more involved and learning how to. Such contradictions could be another factor contributing to my sorrow.

Last but not least, the 10 of Cups offers me its guidance. The advice given in Mirror of the Soul, is to relax and let things develop. Gratitude and thankfulness is something else they state. It's no surprise if greater expression of gratitude can lift up the depressed man's spirits. While the ace indicates a beginning, the 10 indicates an end. Probably what the cards are saying is to collect that emotional energy which I am receptive to and channel it into positive energy via gratitude.

I think the general lesson to be learnt is to pay more attention to the way I feel, rather than the way I should feel, and how the two factors in positions 2 and 3 contribute to the depressive feelings. Position 4 offers me a solution to rectify this area of me, by greater expression of gratitude.

Focus for tomorrow: 3 of Wands (Virtue)