What is my relationship with Natalie like?

Deck Used: Crowley Thoth

Reflection: 6 of Wands (Victory)

Question: What is my relationship with Natalie like?

Spread:                5
                        1 3 2
                           4

Cards:
1) Representation of me: 9 of Swords (Cruelty)
2) Representation of Natalie: The Hanged Man
3) Link/Obstacle between us: The Chariot
4) Our collective unconscious: 5 of Cups (Disappointment)
5) Guidance card: The Hierophant

Interpretation: The message of the 9 of Swords is a clear one. I am being extremely cruel to myself with regards to how I could have been but did not, simply because of inexperience and self-doubt. Each time I put myself down I feel like I've distanced myself from her unconsciously. I subjected myself to lovelessness which is probably the core reason on my part why we did not work out at the start. Even today this bad habit persists, but now I have greater awareness.

The Hanged Man, representing Natalie in this spread, puzzles me. The feeling I get is that she was forced into this 'predicament', one where she had 'no control over'. Ah, perhaps that's how she feels on her side? Being pinned in place (unlike The Hanged Men in other decks, freely hanging) to her was probably seen as an unavoidable fate, but as we tarot readers know, the future is not set in stone. The snake hidden away usually indicates loss of touch with our inner wisdom, which in this case I believe is forgetting her power to take control of life. Heck, I'll even admit, I'm guilty of that too.

The Chariot of the Thoth Deck is one which I have unorthodox interpretations of. Usually when I see this card, the first thought in my mind is that the golden armor is a form of closing yourself out from the world, setting up barriers to yourself. Could be referring to me, or even us both. To go along with what SeeYin said, that I tended to distance myself from others, it makes a pretty strong case. My 'distancing' is usually due to extreme focus on something else. The rider on the chariot, pays little heed to the world outside and contemplates deeply on his inner world (crystal sphere).

Card 4 was drawn because initially, cards 1-3 were difficult to link together. This card was the highlight of the entire reading, the 5 of Cups. Disappointment, in myself and my situation now, I always had. But now the position identifies this disappointment together with Natalie, on what could have been. Difference being that I subjected myself to cruelty and she succumbed to pseudo-fate (possibly?). The two hearts, which probably once faced each other, are now dead, devoid of hope. My heart and hers went into 'cardiac depression' when we messed up. This card made me realise that the current situation was not entirely my burden, but it was hers as well.

I decided to draw a guidance card after card 4, where I suddenly felt that there was still hope for a very deep friendship between us. The Hierophant, a truly enlightened being. For the Thoth deck, the description from Mirror of the Soul was that The Hierophant was one who has integrated the different elements in life. In my jargon, one who has found his wholeness of self. Indeed, the unity of dualist parts of me could result in a greater future. Realising both introversion and extroversion, both cruelty and love.

In general, what I realised at the end was that my question was not about me in relation to her, but rather our relationship as an entity. And hence, my cruelty towards self is not just making me feel horrible, but actually affecting our bond. Her succumbing to fate gave me no opening to approach her in the way I once did.  Our introversion bonded us with a gap, and our feelings were mutual, if not now, at one point of time. And then The Hierophant...... Perhaps the two of us have some aspects of the psyche which we have not come to terms with and should do so with the help of the other? Or that we should look out for the other side of us we have repressed so as to better communicate? The guidance cards have been blur to me......

Focus for tomorrow: Ace of Wands