Deck: Rider Waite Smith
Question: What is the main source of depressive feelings currently?
Spread: 3 10
5 1X2 6 9
4 8
7
Cards:
1) Heart of the Matter: The Lovers
2) Hindrance: The High Priestess
3) Conscious Thoughts: 2 of Cups
4) Unconscious Thoughts: The Empress
5) The Past/Receding Influence: 8 of Swords
6) The Future/Coming Influence: 5 of Cups
7) My Influence: 8 of Wands
8) External Factors: Knight of Cups
9) Guidance: Knight of Wands
10) Outcome: 9 of Wands
Jumpers: None
Comments: I've been growing a bit more upset, which means greater realisations. I've come back to believing that my belief system causes me my greatest hindrance, and it shows in the spread!
Interpretation: Heart of the matter we have the lovers, communication with others. This is what I wish to improve on, and here it is crossed by unconscious factors! Probably my poor belief system is to blame. The belief that I can never communicate well. The belief that I will not attract love. the belief that I was born to be alone. And so many more......
Conscious thought preoccupied with 2 of cups. Indeed, I am consciously looking for love. And am not doing well finding it. Failure to seize multiple opportunities with Nat is something that has hauntingly replayed in my mind since forever. I get very short but frequent bursts of negative emotions when I'm tired, and most of them come from recalling such failures. But maybe, love is not exactly what I need. The empress suggests that I am unconscious of my real want, which is simply feminine care and love. Not necessarily in a sexual or romantic way I guess, just, care. Quite true, seeing how my mother was the one who drilled me with these poor beliefs and debauched my anima. Maybe a change in thinking would help.
With deeper insights, comes liberation from restricting thought. This realisation of my true need takes me 1 step, no matter how small, towards full enlightenment. Influence of 8 of swords is slowly but surely receding. What is to come, however, is but disappointment, sad to say. In hopes my expanding my relationships with another, I may face rejection. Maybe a search for relationship rather than simple affection is the problem. Yet if this disappointment means being liberated from my depressing beliefs, I would gladly receive a thousand rejections from a thousand different Nats. (Maybe a thousand is too many :P Lets say a hundred?)
8 of Wands is one of those few cards still posing a problem for me. I guess here, I see myself as someone who is rash? Hasty? Constantly working without rest (more likely 10 of wands)? I'm not clear. Knight of cups is now others see me, and I can't blame them for seeing me that way. The way I behave around Nat, after that incident, its just abnormal. I always look so distressed and uneasy, and most of the time I actually am!
Advice is to turn that knightly volatile energy into creating change. Just do it. I'm not sure how, though, and the outcome of it shows me as the man in the 9 of wands, injured but still standing proudly. I guess that expression of suppressed energy would relieve depression a fair bit. 5 of cups as an incoming influence may be what leads to the 9 of wands, in which case, may not be a completely bad thing...... Perhaps the knight of wands is telling me to hasten this process? Yet I am laden with fear......
Conclusion: A depression question becomes to directed towards Nat and love in general. Definitely a root cause. I ain't sure how to follow advice to become a knight of wands, so maybe I should start small, with my beliefs and focus. Or maybe by just doing it, I would resolve those issues? Dilemmas......
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